Monday, March 18, 2013

marriage and mind reading

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Here's some truth for today: Husbands cannot read minds.

I don’t know what it is about that wedding band. It seems like as soon as it’s slipped on you immediately assume you will know each other inside and out right away. It’s arrival in your life means you become instantly clairvoyant.

After almost 14 years of marriage I’ve realized that this is just not true.

Say it’s bedtime but one of you might be feeling a bit on the amorous side. So one of you drops subtle hints and bats her eyelashes and thinks she’s speaking loud and clear. And the other one of you just rolls over and instantly goes to sleep. 


The truth is that he has no idea what I want if I don’t say it clearly. There is no room for subtlety in marriage. It’s pretty unfair for one of us to be mad at the other for not getting the vague signals we’ve been throwing down. Sometimes a girl just has to speak up.

Marriage can often become a very comfortable place and that’s really good. But in that process of really getting to know each other we can sometimes take things for granted. We forget that we are in fact two very different people with two very different ways of looking at things, and two very different ways of communicating things. And it’s pretty unfair for one of us to be offended because the other didn’t read our minds. Honestly, I can’t even discern what the heck I’m thinking sometimes, how can expect my husband to know?

One of the keys to a happy marriage is honest and open communication. Also lots and lots of sex, including honest and open communication about sex. I guess it all comes down to talking and sex. And I’m pretty sure that’s what God intended when he mandated that whole one flesh thing. 

Notice he didn’t say one single word about one mind. 

My silly notion that he can read my mind has often caused some trouble between us. It’s a bummer to have unmet expectations, those lead to disappointment and frustration faster than a cold shower kills all desire. Then things typically go down hill from there. The quickest way to get there is to keep all your expectations all to yourself and then shake your head in amazement when your spouse doesn’t know how to meet your needs. If you think he’s clueless it’s probably because you haven’t clued him in.

I know that I don’t have marriage all figured out, but I know enough to know that we need to talk a lot about everything. That makes everything better; and here’s a  bonus, it prevents lots of disappointment from those unmet expectations. And usually it always leads to a good nights sleep.

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