Friday, May 16, 2014

why it's okay to loose control

I cannot control the dumb chickens. They chirp louder and louder and then look at me sideways like a dare. I know they’re planning their escape. They stretch their awkward wings and flail. Up to the top of the water container they go, falling on the way. Stretching all through to get to the edge of their confinement. Finally, after hours of trying, they succeed. I know this because I regularly find them on the furniture or under the kitchen table, looking just as surprised as I am as to how they got there.

They finally have a lid. But this whole thing kind of almost makes me mad. It takes an entire day to realize why, it’s because I just can’t hold them. I cannot control them. They are completely beyond my control. They don’t reason like people, they don’t listen like the dog. They have taught me the true meaning of the term bird brained. 

Unfortunately, they also remind me that there is so much that I can’t control. Chickens escape, friendships go sour, and the fridge runs out of cream before I run out of coffee. And I sure hope I’m not the only person to throw a tiny fit when this happens. 

But it all falls away and exposes the fact that I am utterly alone and usually helpless. Exposed, naked and raw, I hate the feeling of it. Like gathering sand on a windy day, I can’t control a thing in this life. 

I forget that I wasn’t meant to.

On one hand I know we applaud the controlled ones, the managers, the do it alls. But too often my need to control displaces my need for God to be the one in charge. I go on my own. I can put a lid on a chicken box. I can salvage a broken relationship. I can run to the store like a woman possessed to buy a new carton of cream. I’ve got this, thank you very much.

I realize that I’m clearly a fool to think I have it all together. I don’t. And just like I can’t keep these chicks from bolting, I can’t manage much else in my life. It’s a lie from the enemy that makes me believe I should. All that I am responsible for is my desperate reliance on God and how I position myself next to him every single day. If I can control anything it has to be how I fast I run to him when I realize everything else is beyond my grasp. It’s not a place of giving up. It’s a place of surrender. 

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